Sucks To Be You
by Bad Yellow
Summary: Two losers, some slurpies, a party, smoking in bathrooms, pink towels, and a conga line. Who says adolescence was supposed to be interesting?


Notes: Written by KT and Aubrey. The setting is kind of a warped AU… you either go with it or you don't. Such is the nature of Bad Yellow. I posted this because I think it's funny. And different. A delicious accident, if you will. Haha. Aubrey please don't hate me!

o o o o o o o o o

The sun was setting on the lonely EZ Mart, and Alex sighed as she turned off the Gameboy that had been occupying her as she leaned against the cracking brick wall, periodically sipping from her Cherry slurpie. 

She'd been kicking it with Towerz for awhile until he left, saying he'd probably swing by later with some friends. She wondered what the evening would bring, who she would run to, or if she would even find anything to do at all. Her recent breakup with Jay had made it hard to hang out with anyone without running into him. She kicked a rock and slurped her drink.

At that moment, Craig sucked the fluorescent green Slurpie out of his cup and through the straw, further decaying his teeth as he stepped out of the EZ Mart and found there was nothing to do. He walked a few feet and fell back onto the brick wall, next to the store window with the "No Loitering" sign. He quickly went down the list of things to do for this wonderful Saturday evening. There was: 1) go to that kid Sully's party, try to hang with Sean but end up watching him make out with Ashley instead, or 2) sit at home, smoke a joint, and take a nap. Any combination thereof resulted in absolute shit. So under no circumstances would it be done.

He stared out at the people pumping their gas as he gave himself a massive brain freeze. On purpose.

Noticing the addition of the curly-headed kid from her English class on her wall, Alex felt disturbed by this violation of her chill time. 

"Stoner kid, hey," she said, eyeing him suspiciously. She took a sip of her Slurpie and sauntered over to him, her ever-intimidating and unpleasant disposition smeared across her face. "What are you doing in my spot?"

He looked back at her. Yeah. Great. Alex. Talking to him. Questioning his ways. Looking intimidating and pathetic all at once. Sipping a Slurpie. That was kinda hot.

"Standing."

She shrugged, seeing this as a totally valid response. "I've seen you around here alot lately. Are you trying to score a hit or something?" She took another loud slurp, realizing she was going to need a 44 cent refill soon. "Because Jay doesn't stop by here anymore."

"Hmwhat?" Craig said absentmindedly, though he'd heard the question. "I mean, no. I got my own." Which was kinda true. If having his own meant bumming some off Sean every day of the week, then yes, he had his own. "Nice shoes."

Alex didn't even bother to glance down at the tattered black converse on her feet. "Yeah, thanks," she said. "Well, I'm bored. You wanna go get high?"

"Hmmyeah, sure," Craig said, already pretty fucking dazed and confused. "There's a party. Down the street." He pointed randomly out into the distance. "Wanna go?"

She sucked the last of her Slurpie dry as she contemplated. She looked up and down the street, saw no sign of Towerz and his crew, and decided she didn't feel like waiting any longer. "Yeah okay." She tossed her cup to the ground and shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie. "Lead the way, playa," she instructed in her ever energy-devoid voice.

Craig thought about it for a second. Um, he was kinda sure it was to the left. Or the right. Or straight. One of them. Maybe.

He continued slurping up the... Slurpie, and walking along with Alex in tow. He glanced over at her. "Your mouth's all red."

"That's because I gave Elmo a blow job," she commented casually. "Any other smart ass comments?" She kicked a discarded pepsi can as they sauntered along. "So it's Craig, right? You sit behind me in English."

"Mmmhmm." He dug in his pockets, among the lint and old candy wrappers and assorted crap he'd forgotten to empty out of there. "Alex, right?" He took off the lid of the Slurpie and chugged down the rest. "Your tags always stick out of the backs of your shirts. It bugs the fuck outta me." He coughed. "FYI, and all that shit."

"Good to know," she said with a nod. "I didn't think you'd spend much time paying attention to the back, though. You always seem to busy trying to look down my shirt."

"Yeah, well." No sense in denying that. "...Yeah."

The sun had now settled comfortably behind the horizon, and the deep pinks of the sky were gradually fading to purple. Alex sighed. "So does this party actually exist, or are you just trying to take me to a dark corner to rape me?" she asked. "Because honestly, it'd be easier on both of us if you'd just ask. And I'm kind of itching for a buzz here, so the sooner we light up, the better."

"It's... around," Craig said, continuing to wander aimlessly on the upper suburban streets. Just then a car-full of Sully's soccer buddies came speeding around the corner, blasting music and yelling senselessly. As the car zoomed past, an egg came hurdling from the window, and splatted on the front of Craig's shirt. His expression did not change as he went on. "See? I told you. It's that way."

Alex shrugged. She certainly couldn't argue with that. She felt a little bad for him, covered in egg, but at the same time... no, she didn't much give a shit.

"Right. Just keep in mind that I have a knife in my pocket it, man. Don't try anything funny." It was ridiculously hard to tell whether or not she was kidding.

In due time, Craig and Alex meandered up to an affluent house with Bowie blaring out of every closed window, and let themselves inside. Craig briefly surveyed the scene of horny teenagers dancing and getting drunk before turning to Alex and asking, "Um. Whereyouwannago?"

"Wherever," she said, hands in pockets, gently touching the plastic baggie of pot. "Let's just take a look around, shall we?"

She walked with him down the hall, peering around for a good place to smoke up. The first open door she caught a glimpse of was the bathroom, and that worked well enough for her. She noticed with annoyance two girls, one of them a weary-looking Ellie and the other Sean's new dumbfuck girlfriend, standing around in the middle of the hall.

"Excuse me, ladies," she said caustically, shoving them out of her way. "Chop, chop, Craig." They slipped past the girls despite curious and displeased glares and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind them.

Craig slumped down on the floor with his back against the bathtub. He MIGHT'VE stopped to apologize to Ashley, if he hadn't been itching for this all day. Oh, and if he gave a fuck.

"You know," he said, then paused. "Girls like... suck."

"Hell yeah they do," Alex said, pulling the bag out of her pocket and tossing it to the floor. She pulled off her hoodie and placed it on the back of the toilet, then seated herself across from Craig. "They get on my last fucking nerve, to be honest." She pulled out her green glass pipe and diligently filled it.

Craig paused and stared, temporarily fascinated by Alex's quick-moving hands and the pot and the pipe and it was spell-binding. Like whoa. Like drugs. He shook his head and snapped back to reality. 

"..Aren't you supposed to like..." Pause. "Defend your own kind or something?"

Alex smiled, a rarity, though it was barely discernable. "Fuck that shit," she said, bringing her lighter to the pipe. She took a heavy hit, loving that first burning sensation as it touched her lungs, then passed it to Craig before exhaling. "It's every man and/or woman for himself, babe. You do what you gotta do and screw anyone who gets in your way. Tres Machiavellian, eh?"

She found that her mood was lifting, she was growing comfortable with him, and the obvious addition of marijuana was just that much of a bonus.

Obliviously, Craig let the pipe fall in his hands and quickly took a hit from it. This friendship was clearly not going to work if Alex kept using big fucking words like that.

"I guess," Craig said after exhaling. He paused. "Actually, I don't give a fuck." He shrugged and passed the pipe back. "Sorry."

She took a hit. Looked out into space, pondered the world. Then moved her gaze to the purple gum stuck to the bottom of Craig's shoe. "Yeah, I figured. You don't really seem the type to like, give a fuck. Ever. How does it feel to be the world's biggest asshole, by the way?"

"Nice, I guess?" Craig shrugged. Then he thought for a second. "I mean, I resent that. I give a fuck. About some stuff." He scratched his head. "Most stuff blows, though."

Alex laughed, coughing slightly, taking another hit before passing it yet again. She slid down against the wall, feeling the pot sink in. He white wifebeater rode up slightly, and as she sat in a pleasant daze, she tugged idly at her belly button ring. "You're funny, man."

"Yeah. I'm hilarious." And yes, as expected, Craig took another hit from the pipe and held it for a second. He threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. The floor was vibrating below them, and it was kinda disrupting their serene bathroom moment. Fuckers. "This place sucks." He put his head back down and calmly reached over for her hoodie, unaware that it was... well, her hoodie, and proceeded to wipe the drying egg off his shirt with it. "Um. Shit. Did we have any English homework?"

Alex burst into a loud stoner laugh. She reached forward and touseled Craig's curly hair. "The fuck if I know, man. It's Saturday. I'm not trying to think about that shit." She laughed some more. "You're a real slice, man. Really. English homework. Pass me the pipe, bitch."

Craig obliged, laughing slightly in a what-the-fuck-is-going-on sort of way, and handed her the pipe. Getting a little bored, he looked around and immediately grabbed the first thing he saw. Which happened to be a bottle of Head and Shoulders, of which he happily uncapped and poured a big glob in his hand, apparently more than he wanted, though. "Ah, shit. Um... here." He reached over and rubbed some into Alex's hair.

"Ah, shit, gross, man," Alex whined. She stood up and searched through the cabinet until she located a fluffy pink towel, not bothering to question why Sully's towels were pink, and used it to rub the shampoo out of her hair. "I should totally kick your ass, man." She gave his shoulder a good shove, though it had no conviction in it at all, as she sunk back down to the floor, pleasantly stoned.

Without apologizing, Craig grabbed the towel out of Alex's hand and rubbed his hand clean. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He did this several times with a quite-blank look on his face. 

"Have you ever like... wished you were something else?" Pause. "Like, that you were... Jesus? Or like..." Pause. "An Oscar Mayer weiner?" Pause. He sat up a little, and got a little too giddy. Pause. "No, I mean, seriously. Shit." Pause. "That would be fucking awesome." Though, just to clarify, it was more of Craig's personal, mental detachment from civilization that caused his spaciness and seemingly ADD-plagued mind than, you know. Pot.

Alex rolled her eyes and took another hit from the pipe. "Craig, shh shh shh," she said reasonably. "I'm not going to answer that because... you are retarded."

"Am not," Craig said, before getting distracted by the spider crawling across the bathroom ceiling.

Alex laughed as she put away her pipe. "Come on," she said, smacking Craig's shoulder. "Let's party."

She strutted out of the bathroom, and saw that the two girls who'd been in her way were still chatting it up in the middle of the hallway. Sean's old girlfriend, deep in discussion with Sean's new girlfriend, who just happened to be Craig's old girlfriend. Talk about a bitter, awkward situation. Not that Alex like, cared, of course.

"Whoa, who died?" she asked, resting her elbows on Ellie's shoulder. The two girls both looked near tears, which in Alex's eyes was completely lame. "I feel like I just walked into a rerun of All My Children."

"Um, excuse me," Ash looked at Alex in disgust. "We're kind of having a private conversation here."

Alex laughed a single soundless laugh, sneering at Ashley with her dark eyes. She turned to Craig as he stumbled stonedly out of the bathroom. "Haha, Craig, she thinks I care," she told him, finding this extremely amusing.

"Wait, what?" Craig muttered before looking up. "I mean. Hi. Yo. Guys."

"Yeah, hi," Ash said, slightly fuming. "Come on, El... let's go somewhere where we won't be interrupted by druggies."

Alex rolled her eyes. "You DATED that mess?" she said with a loud bark of a laugh. "And now Sean's hitting it. You guys are mother fucking retarded. Let's dance."

Craig, drowning in his high, shrugged and followed her into the living room. It was currently packed with sweaty, inebriated people, pulsing against every wall. Alex shoved her way through the crowd and found a spot for her and Craig in the middle of it all. Hidden deeply underneath a veil of marijuana and David Bowie, they danced through an immeasurable interval of time, the night passing them by in a blur. In one corner of the room, Alex noticed Ashley and Ellie, still in the middle of a heated discussion. And then, on the other side of the room, there was Sean, nursing a bottle of beer and trying to appear invisible. There was probably a story there, one filled with all kinds of drama and bull shit.

But Craig and Alex were far, far away from that shit tonight.

At some point, Sully must have wandered from his sentinel post guarding the stereo, for someone removed his David Bowie megaload and replaced it with cheesy pop tunes, one of which was some obscure Shakira hit. Some royal asshole in the crowd let out the ever-dreaded call of, "Conga line!" and soon the swarming mass of moving bodies had been transformed into a snaking line of marching ants.

Craig laughed wildly as he was swept up in it, sandwiched in between Liberty Van Zandt and Darcy O'Sullivan and shaking his ass to a bad pop song. Alex, with her signature snarl of disapproval, slunk out of the masses and retreated to the wall, hands in her pockets. It wasn't until the conga line had made a few rotations that Craig, with his hands held firmly in place on Liberty's hips, noticed Alex standing against the wall, staring blankly. He took it to be his personal responsibility to make Alex have fun. He broke the line and walked over to her. He just stood there.

"Dude," he whined. "Conga line? Come on."

"Ahaha," said Alex, eyeing him with utter superiority. "I don't conga. Ever."

Craig put on his puppy dog eyes but they failed miserably. So he just grimaced. "Um. Wanna dance, maybe?"

"Yeah, maybe," Alex said, revealing on her devilish face what was almost a smirk. Almost. She slid her arm through his and around his waist, falling into a gentle groove off to the side, away from the conga line madness.

Craig wrapped his arms around Alex's waist and pulled her closer. "So... tonight's been  
cool," he said, all laid-back and chill-like. Or so he seemed to think, in his pot-whirled mind. "We should hang. More often."

"Right," said Alex. "So you can mooch more pot from me. Cameron's told me all about how you operate. I'll tell you right now, though, I totally don't play that generosity bull shit."

"Hey, hey," Craig said slowly, defensively. "I'm not ALL about the pot." He grooved in silence for a moment, then giggled a bit. "Alright, maybe mostly. But I mean, seriously." He paused. Blinked. Smile faded. "Do you wanna make out?"

Alex sighed, staring at Craig with her empty black eyes, wrinkling her nose in contemplation. He was kind of gross. And kind of stupid. But hey, she was riding the gentle high of good pot, and with Jay out of the picture, she hadn't exactly gotten much action lately. Besides, this whole... conga thing was lame.

"Yeah okay," she said with a shrug, slipping out of the crowded living room with him, back to the bathroom where they'd begun the evening. She pushed him hard against the back wall, knocking a pink towel to the floor. She kissed him fiercely, emotionlessly, doing it her way. She was an assertive kind of girl.

Craig soaked in the hotness that was Alex, as he graciously accepted her mouth on his and held onto her hips gently. The world was a sexy haze of pot and Alex and bathroom make-out sessions. He could still faintly taste the cherry Slurpee on her lips, and he suddenly realized he was really fucking hungry. He continued the makeoutage, but couldn't help but fidget in his typical antsy-Craig way.

Craig tasted like all of Alex's favorite things, she couldn't help but notice. Pot and convenient store food and dirty words and rock and roll.

"I'm hungry as fuck," she announced after several hours of being sprawled on the floor with Craig, making out, talking a bit, and making out some more. "Let's blow this popsicle stand." That being said, she helped her stoned compadre to his feet and wandered out into the hall. Just as she did so, she noticed Sully, passed out on the floor. Possibly dead.

Then, lightbulb, she reached down into his pocket and snagged his wallet. Looking inside, she noticed he had a hefty sum of spending cash. "Well, well. Looks like we're going out for waffles, buddy."

"Fucking awesome," he answered. Lightbulb, and Craig quickly reached into the dead kid's pocket and pulled out the car keys to Sully's shiny little blue BMW. He grinned and dangled them for a second, then entered the living room. The two of them waded across the wreckage of the party and went outside, where early morning sunlight was slowly creeping up. This was fun shit.

"All right, Manning," Alex announced as they approached Sully's prized BMW. "Hand over the keys, buddy boy."

"What? No way," Craig protested, hugging the keys to his chest. "My idea. My driving...ness." He put on a sad, pitiful little look in hopes of swaying Alex's un-sway-able mind.

"Oh yeah?" said Alex, resting her hand on her sexy hip. "Well I'm the one with the wallet stuffed with two hundred bucks, so I'M the one that's driving." She approached him and firmly punched him in the shoulder before yanking the keys from his hands. "Besides, you wouldn't know good waffles if they bit you in the ass. I'm taking us to Pancake Charlie's." She hit the unlock button on the key chain and made her way to the driver's seat. "Hop in, kidlet."

"I call shotgun," Craig said half-heartedly before jumping in the passenger's seat and still feeling really bitter. He wanted to drive. Boohoo. Alex cranked the key in the ignition and soon the pair of stoners were riding off into the horizon in their stolen automobile.

"You know," Craig said after a few minutes of silence. He watched the streets of suburbia fly by and gradually take form as sunlight poured into the world. "I really didn't want to go to that party tonight. You know, because of Sean and Ashley. Ellie, too. Shit's just so fucked up right now. I feel like... like the world's just coming out from under me, you know?" He brought his eyes away from the window and placed them on Alex, suddenly feeling like he knew her somehow. Like she was a fountain of all the light he'd been missing lately. He waited for her wisdom to pour.

Alex shrugged, keeping her eyes on the road. "Yeah, well," she said, scratching the back of her head. "Sucks to be you."

Craig sighed. Wisdom came in varying degrees, after all.


End file.
